Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Bad choices and oversensitivity

Well.. I'm not oblivious to the fact that I've made some bad choices in my lifetime. Plain and simple. No excuses, not even any regrets really, just basic bad choices. Sometimes my choices weren't really that bad, but the ramifications from them were. When I feel as though my closest friends judge me for those decisions I've made, I go on the defensive.

Many who know me will tell you that I'm overly sensitive. And I guess, for all that makes sense in the world, that I am. But I value me as a person. I like who I am for the most part and all that I've become. So, today, when someone said that I was "f...'d up", yeah, I was more than a little upset. Yeah, I took it personally. Partly because at the time I was sharing something of mine that I consider to be somewhat private and close to me (this blog) and partly because it was just plain rude and insensitive. It was not said in a joking manner, and while I was told it should be considered sarcasm, well, I can just do without that kind of sarcasm, thank you.

Here's what it all comes down to, and I'm realizing it just as I type. Trust me. Trust in me. Trust in my common sense. Trust in my choices. And don't judge me. I get a little sensitive when you do that.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Rain

It's raining outside. Again. Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with rain. I'm just tired of the rain. It's the end of January and I just want a fabulous snow!

Just today, I was telling an old friend of mine how much I miss the snow in New Hampshire. I lived there for 15 years, and I swear I think they cancelled school fewer times than I can count on both hands. Really. Now, I won't go into how frustrating it is here in Tennessee that as soon as the weatherman hints at snow or ice, the schools are cancelled. Really. No Joke. The schools are cancelled (sometimes the night before) and the grocery stores are wiped clean of bottled water, bread and milk. I've never seen anything like it before. But I won't go into that. It really stinks though, I'll tell you. When we lived in New Hampshire, there could be a whiteout, a nor' east er, whatever, and we still stood on the corner and waited for the school bus. All without a coat or hat on because it wasn't cool to wear a hat or coat in sub degree weather. So we didn't.

Ahh... those were the days.

I remember in college- as soon as it turned 49.5 degrees everyone on campus donned their shorts. Darn! It was warm, right? Now, here in Tennessee, they actually cancel schools because it's too cold. Oops. I'm not going into that. But they do! But I'm not going into that.

So back to my original point. I miss the snow. I miss the excitement and mind numbing adrenaline rush that comes with driving the back roads of Amherst, NH, knowing that just below the 2 inches of white covered road, lies a thich sheet of ice. I miss pulling huge icecicles off the sides of buildings (no offense to the woman who just got hit by one in Massachusettes). I miss watching little dogs disappear into the front yard that no longer exsists, only to become one with the foot of snow that is now covering them. And I miss the peace. Yes, I said peace. I miss going out, in the small town that wasn't a city, where it was quiet even if you had neighbors, and just watching the snow fall and listening to the silence. The cold crisp silence.

I can't do that here.

But I won't go into that.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Sick Babies



Ok. I can't believe I'm about to do this, but I'm going to write a blog about why it's such a pain that my child looks like this. Yup. That's right. Complaining about my happy child. See the picture? That's James- on RSV. My sick child. This is what he looks like.

It was the same for my older Son. Happy as can be. This photo was taken the morning after we took a trip to the ER because his RSV was so bad. Part of me wants to thank God that I'm so blessed to have truly happy children. The other part of me just wishes that every once in a while, they would act like they're sick when they're sick. Why? Why in the world could I wish such a thing you ask? Well, first, because when they really are sick, I frequently have no idea. Really. I've always assumed that if my child is a limp noodle and has a fever, he's sick. And along the same lines, if they look like the above photo, they're happy and healthy. Wrong. My oldest son had frequent severe ear infections, and never once had a fever or cried from the pain of it. It was by chance that I found them out!

So, here I am with my sick baby laughing and smiling. Lucky aren't I? Well, sure, except that I can't get him to settle down and rest in a way I think it critical to his recuperation. Just last night, at 11pm, he had no interest in sleeping, and instead, lay with me on my bed, laughing and playing with us. At that moment, I started to stop and complain about how tired I was and how I wish he'd just settle down and rest. He needs his rest. Then he smiled at me, just like he did in this photo, only at me and the world stopped for a moment and it didn't matter that it was 11. It didn't matter that he was sick. At that moment, all he was- was mine. And me? I stopped complaining and thanked God for my little bundle of joy.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Really, God?

OK. Now I'm not one who questions God. If you don't already know that about me, you should. I just don't question him or his motives. I just accept. Period. But today, I looked toward the heavens and asked, "Really, God? Are we really doing this today? Really?"
James has RSV.
Yes.
Really.
So, after receiving the fabulous diagnosis, I walked out of the doctor's office and took a deep breath. I must say though, that I believe my older son was the test run. He too had RSV at about this age. While I didn't quite panic back then, I was still nervous and anxious about what the diagnosis would mean. Luckily because I'm anal retentive and think that for the $15 co-pay, I should take my kids to see the doctor if anything seems off, neither of them needed the breathing treatments or hospitalization. With James though, because I had said practice run, I'm much more calm and comfortable.
Oh.
I see.
RSV huh?
Well, that's nice.
Okee Dokee.. yes well, you have a nice day too.
(I'm sure the doctor either thinks that I am absolutely out of my mind or that I'm just some awful, terrible mother who doesn't give two hoots about my son. Neither of which is actually the case. OK. Well, I'm not a terrible mother anyway...)

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that my friend, JMS and I were at work this morning (prior to James' appointment) and she handed me her Ipod. She had recorded (hmm.. is that the correct terminology or am I dating myself?) a song by Depeche Mode. It's called Blasphemous Rumors and the line in it says:
"I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours but I think that God's got a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find Him laughing" Now, mind you, I don't really think that God's up there laughing at my misfortune, but one cannot ignore the irony of the moment.

One last bit of irony- because of the RSV, I have to wait a week before I can lay Little Bit on his tummy to sleep. He'll be exactly 4 months old. Hmph. Maybe this is just God's way of giving me a week to get used to the idea! Hehe.. See, who's laughing now?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

JMS, Babies, and my addiction to Facebook

Ok. Well, once again I'm posting because one of my best friends, JMS, prodded me. In reality, she's just nagged me enough to where I feel guilty for not posting since October. So as always, for you JMS, I post!

First, I must say that I love being a mom. Plain and simple. I always knew I wanted to have children, but that was just it. I wanted to have children. I never said, "ahh.. I really want to be a mom when I grow up." But as much as I love having children, I absolutely love being a mom. (Did I already say that?) And you know what, I think I'm a pretty good mom. And I'm a better mom just because my husband is such a good dad. Together our kids are loved. They are happy. They are beautiful. Oh and they're alive. We've kept them alive! Yeah!!! Sorry.. Seriously, I cannot imagine my life without my family, and I thank God every day for it.

Now, one to my newest past time: Facebook. I have to start last year, when I first signed up to My Space. I thought it was wonderful that I could hook up with old friends. And it was. But there weren't many there. Then, a few months ago, I got this idea to try Facebook. It's kind of like HD television and DVR. I wonder how in the world I ever lived without it. As much as I'd like to say I'm joking, I'm sort of not. My husband has now accepted the fact that I'm addicted to it, and that on occasion, I might look up from the computer to pay him some attention! (NO, not really!) I have a few points to make related to my FB addiction, so bear with me- this may be a long post. (You asked for it JMS!)

I couldn't believe it when I first signed on and there were so many names from the past there! I now have over 100 "friends". Some (less than 10) are from my now life. People I see and talk to every day. The rest are people that knew from way back when. A portion of them are from my previous years in New Hampshire. Some are from nearly 20 years ago, when I lived in Ohio. Truly, I've not seen or talked to these people in 20 years. I have to admit that my feelings about some of these "friends" are mixed. Several of the friends are people who I hung with when we were kids and just lost touch with as we grew older. Others were not. Honestly put, some of these people were just plain mean to me 20 years ago. (yes, you know who you are.) And now, they "talk" to me as though those days never existed. As though they never made fun of me. As though they never told me to get lost, pulled my hair or called me names. I remember it all. Part of me is just fascinated to see how much these people have changed. To see that, for the most part, we are now all on a level playing field. And sometimes I think that I'm just sickly attracted to the idea that they don't make fun of me any more. Either way, I'm a grown adult who thinks that there's good in all of us. Even the ones who were mean to me when we were children. And I've also grown to believe that we lose too many loved ones in our lives; life is too short not to try and make new friends when we can.

So on to my second point. If you know me well enough to read this, then you probably know that my 3 month old is going through some medical issues. For reasons unknown to me, I felt very comfortable posting information regarding Little Bit's situation on Facebook. I have been overwhelmed by the response. It has been amazing. When my children were born, my husband and I asked how is it possible to love someone so much who we don't yet know? I feel similar with regard to my Facebook "friends". They may not know me anymore, but that hasn't stopped them from being so very supportive. I have received emails and posts from so many of them- even those who weren't nice to me back then. It's given me such hope for things. I mean, really, these people don't know me. But they care. I feel that. They really do care. They have put me and my child in their prayers. Those who know me today know how I feel- "everything happens for a reason." If nothing else, I believe that Facebook has brought me to a place where I can settle with my past and find extra strength for my future.

So if you're reading this, and you're one of the many who have shown me this kind support- thank you.
Thanks for being my "friend".