Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Old and self pitiful!
Well, it's been so long since I posted I figured I owed it to myself to sit back down and go to it. my Kiddo (as Jenn would so aptly put it) is sick and hubby (again, to borrow from Jen) is irritated by it all. (Meaning moody child and mourning wife). But seeing everyone else in such a mood is making me quite happy! Sick in some kind of way, is it not? Yup... me myself and I will be the big 32 in less than 2 weeks, and I'm more excited over it than anyone else.I can't seem to get anyone to be as excited over my day as I am!At first, I thought, maybe a bar-b-q at my house. But then, I had an epiphany, as it occurred to me that I would then be the one entertaining and cleaning a house to make it presentable, and why in God's name would I want to do that? So then I thought maybe a night out with just a few friends. Hmm... nope.. too quiet. (I think maybe I'm afraid of too much quiet this year).I think it all comes back to the fact that I'm alive. I spent my last birthday putting someone in the ground who wasn't and darn it, I want to FEEL alive- even if it's just for that one night! Why doesn't anyone seem to give a rat's patootee? Because, Kay, you're wallowing in your own selfishness, you're in an adult world now, where people work on their birthdays and are lucky if just one person remembers.OK.. so here's the thing. I love birthdays. Anyone's birthday. I always have. And usually, I get extreme pleasure by celebrating for them. Planning their day, seeing their smiling face- knowing that one person cared enough. Never before have I wanted it for myself. This year I do, and well... I think I'll be sitting at home, sipping the iced tea in my big leather easy chair, with my kiddo in my lap, watching my neighbor's pirated version of CARS for the 50th time. And in the end, I'll probably love every minute of it and never remember that there was no party!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Monday, June 5, 2006
Monday, June 05, 2006
Time to Ponder
One thing you'll learn about me, as you read my daily thoughts, is that the more emotionally driven they are, the longer they take me to spit out. Really. I guess that the thoughts exhaust me to a level where I just don't want to take any time to express them out loud. So what is it this time?My sister's birthday was Saturday. Or it would have been anyway. She was born on June 3, 1973. She would have been 33. I hadn't spoken to her in 6 years.She died just last year on June 25 (see, being the manically emotional woman that I am, I'll stew on all of this for 3 weeks. ) Amy, my sister, brought our family more hard times than you'd ever see on the Facts of Life, Beverly Hills 90210, or Law and Order combined. She used and sold drugs, prostituted herself, and left her precious daughter for my family to raise as an infant. She once stole money from me on Christmas, (and subsequently spent it). She caused physical pain to both me and my parents and she watched a neighbor die on her kitchen of a drug overdose.But she was still my sister.I still remember a day when she was unaffected. I've always thought back to those days in an attempt to make the choices she made somehow easier to accept. Knowing that she might someday make different choices....With her death came the reality that she'll never make those choices. Her life will never be any easier. And those who know nothing but the pain she caused us cannot fathom why her death doesn't bring us some kind of peace. Why, every time we relive the good memories, we hurt inside with a pain that we find so hard to put into words that others can understand.Why, after all these years, we'd give anything just to be able to wish her a Happy Birthday.And we'd give even more to see her live it.Happy Birthday, Amy. We loved you even when.
Time to Ponder
One thing you'll learn about me, as you read my daily thoughts, is that the more emotionally driven they are, the longer they take me to spit out. Really. I guess that the thoughts exhaust me to a level where I just don't want to take any time to express them out loud. So what is it this time?My sister's birthday was Saturday. Or it would have been anyway. She was born on June 3, 1973. She would have been 33. I hadn't spoken to her in 6 years.She died just last year on June 25 (see, being the manically emotional woman that I am, I'll stew on all of this for 3 weeks. ) Amy, my sister, brought our family more hard times than you'd ever see on the Facts of Life, Beverly Hills 90210, or Law and Order combined. She used and sold drugs, prostituted herself, and left her precious daughter for my family to raise as an infant. She once stole money from me on Christmas, (and subsequently spent it). She caused physical pain to both me and my parents and she watched a neighbor die on her kitchen of a drug overdose.But she was still my sister.I still remember a day when she was unaffected. I've always thought back to those days in an attempt to make the choices she made somehow easier to accept. Knowing that she might someday make different choices....With her death came the reality that she'll never make those choices. Her life will never be any easier. And those who know nothing but the pain she caused us cannot fathom why her death doesn't bring us some kind of peace. Why, every time we relive the good memories, we hurt inside with a pain that we find so hard to put into words that others can understand.Why, after all these years, we'd give anything just to be able to wish her a Happy Birthday.And we'd give even more to see her live it.Happy Birthday, Amy. We loved you even when.
Thursday, June 1, 2006
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Overwhelmed and going crazy
Wow. So this whole blog thing is overwhelming to me, but absolutely has me mezmorized. To realize that anyone has as many thoughts that they can put down is surprising to me. I mean really. I have barely enough time in the course of a day to pee, where does one find enough time to actually sit down and put thought to key? The answer is found in the fact that it really is just random ramble and that putting that kind of thought process down takes very little time at all. My son, who is now three understands this concept perfectly. The one of random ramble I mean. In the course of 3 minutes tonight, I found out that "I don't wanna pee. You brought me cookies mommy? Tyrone hit my face with a big toy and it hurt and I cried and now he's not my friend. I want to be that when I grow up (referring to the proverbial spelling bee champ, who's spelling a word that I didn't ever imagine exsisted.) I gave the fish part of my chocolate chip cookie. I turned the bamboo plant over. Hey, can I have a drink of dat coke?" Ok, so it was more like 1 minute. But it still made me take stock in my life and laugh hysterically at how magical that 1 minute really is, coming from the mouth of a babe. That he can even process all of that in one minute should be verification of his genious status.That my husband then looks up from his computer, not having heard a word and says , "huh?" is a testament to his adult lack of adventure.See, here's my point. The blogs simply take us back to our childhood. They make it OK to ramble on about whatever's on our mind, assuming that it's important to someone other than us, but oblivious to the fact that it really probably isn't. Somehow though, as an adult, it's a feeling of freedom that I've not experienced for a very long time.So that's it for me. My son did pee, ate only one of the cookies that I brought him, giggled when I kissed the Tyrone-induced booboo on his face, screamed everytime the speller said "T". The fish tank has been cleaned for the 3rd time this week (my fish look like they're stoned), the bamboo plant turned upright, and the caffeine riddled coca-cola has settled itself into my son's bloodstream- just as my husband is taking him to bed.ahh... life is good.
Overwhelmed and going crazy
Wow. So this whole blog thing is overwhelming to me, but absolutely has me mezmorized. To realize that anyone has as many thoughts that they can put down is surprising to me. I mean really. I have barely enough time in the course of a day to pee, where does one find enough time to actually sit down and put thought to key? The answer is found in the fact that it really is just random ramble and that putting that kind of thought process down takes very little time at all. My son, who is now three understands this concept perfectly. The one of random ramble I mean. In the course of 3 minutes tonight, I found out that "I don't wanna pee. You brought me cookies mommy? Tyrone hit my face with a big toy and it hurt and I cried and now he's not my friend. I want to be that when I grow up (referring to the proverbial spelling bee champ, who's spelling a word that I didn't ever imagine exsisted.) I gave the fish part of my chocolate chip cookie. I turned the bamboo plant over. Hey, can I have a drink of dat coke?" Ok, so it was more like 1 minute. But it still made me take stock in my life and laugh hysterically at how magical that 1 minute really is, coming from the mouth of a babe. That he can even process all of that in one minute should be verification of his genious status.That my husband then looks up from his computer, not having heard a word and says , "huh?" is a testament to his adult lack of adventure.See, here's my point. The blogs simply take us back to our childhood. They make it OK to ramble on about whatever's on our mind, assuming that it's important to someone other than us, but oblivious to the fact that it really probably isn't. Somehow though, as an adult, it's a feeling of freedom that I've not experienced for a very long time.So that's it for me. My son did pee, ate only one of the cookies that I brought him, giggled when I kissed the Tyrone-induced booboo on his face, screamed everytime the speller said "T". The fish tank has been cleaned for the 3rd time this week (my fish look like they're stoned), the bamboo plant turned upright, and the caffeine riddled coca-cola has settled itself into my son's bloodstream- just as my husband is taking him to bed.ahh... life is good.
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