To Cheat or Not to Cheat- That is the question!

B, Hope you don't mind that I copied my comment from your blog!
(Her blog can be found at http://www.boakyewaaglover.com/ . What you read below is my response to an "interview" that she posted where she asked one of her friends for his opinion about cheating) Men should take note!


B- I am fascinated by your blog. My first visit here, and I am moved to leave this comment: Cheating is a choice. Period. It is not something that your body does without your mind’s permission. To cheat, your mind makes a choice. It’s obvious that at this stage in his life anyway, Kweku has made that choice. Relationships take work. Constant upkeep. Women want awareness from their loved ones; notice and validation that their emotions and needs are seen and matter. Even the fact that these needs aren’t necessarily met or that their significant other doesn’t agree with them isn’t as important as that they’re recognized. When, in the rat race of today’s society, we begin to move so quickly in our lives, we fail to be aware of those people we love, we risk the loss of them. We risk that they look elsewhere for that awareness- for that one person who doesn’t take them for granted. Then, the choice is ours. It is my true belief that if you keep that awareness in your relationship or marriage and work to maintain that respect and communication, neither of you will ever want for more. Women should always remember this. It’s what each and every one of us deserve.

Happy Birthday, Moose

Clara Ortega once wrote, "To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time."

Today is my sister's birthday. She would be 36.
I turn 35 this summer. But in my mind, Amy is still 10 and I'm 9, and we're rollerskating down the driveway, singing the latest McDonald's jingle, laughing like there's no tomorrow.


In my mind, Amy is 13 and I am 12. Amy is playing the piano, singing alto, and I'm singing soprano. Our voices blend perfectly. We're on stage, performing at our school talent contest. We're happy. In my mind.

In my mind, Amy is 15 and I am 14. Amy is much larger than me. But we laugh. She calls me Mouse. I call her Moose. She's still beautiful. In my mind.

In my mind, time has not touched us. Amy is not really gone, and today will just be the day we always dreamed of. Today we'll be grown women, spending our days together, watching our children play. She's happy. She's beautiful. And in my mind, she always will be.

Happy Birthday, Moose. I love you.

My Boys

Well, I simply couldn't pass up the chance to put these two pics side by side. The left is Jacob, almost 6 years ago. The right is James, 2 months ago. Aren't they beautiful?
It's amazing how far they've come in such a short time. Jacob is about to "graduate" from Kindergarten! It seems like just yesterday that I wrote the blog, scared out of my wits that he had an interview with the principal! And James is already 6 months old; I can't believe it!
Things have been so busy- Jacob started baseball season, though it feels like his heart's just not in it this year. He had a bad experience in the fall season, and I think it's scared him off a bit. Rob is also an assistant coach on the team. Even though school's not out yet, they have 2 or more games every week. Then they usually have another game on Saturday. Fun fun!

James' MRI is scheduled for next Friday. Please pray for us. I have all the confidence in the world that it will all work itself out- no matter what the doctors find, but I still have to admit that every now and then, out of the blue, I just lose myself in a bout of tears. I can't stop it.

Work has been, well, an experience all its own. I won't go into details, but let's just say it's been a rough road lately, and it really just feels like I can't get anything right. I must say, though, that our team really works well together, and I'm lucky to have the job that I do.

So, reading this, can you tell that my heart's not in my post? I really did just want to post the two pictures- I get such a kick looking at them side by side and thought that you might too. Enjoy!

As I'm signing off, the news is reporting that another local soldier has been killed in Iraq. So, I'll just take this opportunity to say thanks to those of you who serve our country every day. Thank you for keeping us and our country safe. To mothers and fathers, thank you for loaning out your loved ones so that we can all sleep a little better at night. On the Country Music Awards a few nights ago, an injured soldier said, "You don't have to support the war, just support the warrior." I couldn't agree more.

The Beginning of the End

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Author Unknown

A Warm Monday

Wow. It's beautiful outside. And I love it! I really don't have much at all to write about- it's a Monday. So I'll do exactly as JMS' blog title suggests and randomly ramble. (thanks for letting me borrow that, JMS!)

I spent last night, late into the night, catching up with old friends on Facebook. We all talked about (and made fun of) many of our antics of days long ago.

One friend, whom I've not seen for well over 20 years, has a 14 year old. I said, "My gosh. Are we that old?" Ha. I don't feel that old. Another friend, who I hurt every time I had the chance back in college, accepted my own apologies, but then spent forever rehashing his own stories of mistreating those he was with. He really worried about it too.

But you know what, if there's one thing I believe it's that I love my life. And if anything had changed- any one thing had been done differently in my life- I might not have any of what I do today. That means good and bad. The traumatic experiences contributed as much as, if not more to the life I have today and I wouldn't trade it for anything!

Two movies come to mind, and if you've not seen them, you should check them out. Both are based on the premise that if one thing changed, there would be a chain reaction like non other and every detail would likely change. Both are rather old: Sliding Doors and Frequency. Neither are worthy of award nominations, but they both really get you to stop and think.

Here's how I see it:

Maybe you were mean to people. Maybe you played with their emotions, maybe you just downright mistreated them. You know, they probably remember you. Chance are, they weren't scarred for life, but I bet they remember you. So take a minute to find them and apologize. You don't have to rock their world, just let them know that now, today, you remember too. And you're sorry. Not that you would change it if you could, but just that you're sorry. And I'm sure, even after all this time, they'll thank you for it.

Oh and on a side note- if you're reading this Jon, it's March. And I know it's March. And what it means to you. I just wanted you to know I remembered.

Now, on to bigger and brighter- here are a few recent pics. Just last Saturday, I took my little ones to JMS' birthday celebration for her youngest. What a time they had! Thanks for the invite!

The Kindness of Strangers

I'm writing today because someone was kind to me. The sad thing is that I'm writing because this type of kindness is so rare that I believe it deserves to be recognized. So, humor me, and read my short little story:
I drive a Chrysler Town and Country Mini Van. I got new tires for the van not so very long ago, but I noticed recently (and by recently, I mean over the last 6 weeks) that my back left tire wasn't holding air. I mean, it wasn't going flat, but it was clearly not holding air quite like it should. So, for the past 5 weeks, about once a week, I've been driving to the local grocery/gas station, who has air for free (I know, what a novel idea, huh? Free Air) and airing my tire. Over the last week though, I've had to air my tire ever other day. And then today, the air that I had just put in last night was clearly gone by mid-day. Now, my tire looks flat. So, my husband called around and got what sounded like a good quote for a tire from a well known shop (umm... twist my arm... Firestone- where we bought the original tires). And the guy says $68. Good price, huh? Yeah. I called the guy back and asked him to specify the price of the tire after they charged to place it on my vehicle. New price- $102.00 before tax. Nice. They close at 8pm, and he advised that if I hurry over right then (5:50pm), they might be able to fit me in. The guy was pleasant, but unfazed by the fact that I was a lone woman with 2 children, who would have to sit for an unknown amount of time waiting for them to "fit me in". So, with my infant son and my 6 year old son in my car, I headed toward said care repair place, ticked that they get so much for a hmm.... tire.

On the way, I remembered a little place 2 streets from my house, where I had received excellent service many years before (and for a reasonable price). They had recently changed management, and I've not had the opportunity to experience their new service. They are a mom and pop shop, independently owned and 1/4 the size of the big shops. I pulled in their parking lot just as the clock on my radio changed from 5:59pm to 6pm. I saw that the sign on their door showed closing time to be 6pm, but the phone number was just so large on the side of the building that I decided to call and check on the price of a tire anyway- just in case I could air up and come back the next day.
The man that answered (yes, they really did answer at closing time) was very pleasant. I apologized for calling at closing time, but explained that I was in the parking lot, my tire was quite flat and that I was hoping he would quote me a new tire. Instead, with no hesitation he offered to come out to the parking lot and look at the tire. Once there, he said, "Why don't you let us just take it back real quick and take a look - just see what we can do." Of course I agreed. By then, my husband had arrived from work, and I unloaded the children into his truck. The gentlemen (and I purposefully used that term, as they were, in fact, true gentlemen) pulled my car back, having opened a bay that was closed for the day. A mechanic, who had already packed up for the day and was on his way out the door, sat on the ground and determined that there was a screw embedded in my tire. The head of the screw had long since disappeared (no doubt from weeks of my driving on it..) but he was still able (and willing) to take it out and plug it. All without complaint. All without grunting, groaning, or grimace. All for $10.

It could have been $100 for all I cared. I would have paid it. They did me a favor and never once acted like they were doing so. And when I asked for a business card, because, I said "With the service you've given me, I'd like to bring some more business your way (my hubby needs new tires)." He said, thank you ma'am. I really appreciate that." And he meant it. As though I'd done him a favor- at 6:30pm on a Wednesday night.

So, if you ever find yourself at 4724 Western Avenue in Knoxville, TN (865)558-6911, stop and say hello. Because if more people ran their businesses like Automotive Tire and Service, maybe our economy wouldn't be hurting quite as badly as it is.

My dearest Jacob,
You turned 6 years old today. I am so proud of you, and all that you are. I'm proud of all that you're yet to be.
I remember the day you were born as though it were yesterday. Your Daddy looked at me and said, with tears in his eyes, "how is it possible to love someone so much, who we've never known at all?" How indeed. And today, as you turn yet another year older, I ask myself how it's possible to love you any more today, than I did yesterday. Yet I do. You simply fill my heart with all that is good.
Tonight we sat at your favorite restaurant and laughed. And again I thought of when you were born. I looked in your eyes then and tried to imagine you as a little boy, then, as a grown man. Tonight you looked at me with those eyes and smiled. Without a single word, you smiled and hugged me. Then you said, "Thanks, Mom."
I looked at our family, sitting at the table. There was Daddy, Little Brother James, and you.
I sighed contently and thought, "How blessed am I?"
And I just looked back at you, hugged you and said, "No, Jacob. Thank you."

So, my boy, in the years ahead, when the hustle and bustle of life has you down, I hope you can take these words and be reminded of how very much you are loved. Remember Son, that when God gave you to me, my life changed forever. I became a mom that day. Not just any mom; your mom. And that may very well have been the best day of my life.

Happy Birthday, Jacob. I love you.

Bad choices and oversensitivity

Well.. I'm not oblivious to the fact that I've made some bad choices in my lifetime. Plain and simple. No excuses, not even any regrets really, just basic bad choices. Sometimes my choices weren't really that bad, but the ramifications from them were. When I feel as though my closest friends judge me for those decisions I've made, I go on the defensive.

Many who know me will tell you that I'm overly sensitive. And I guess, for all that makes sense in the world, that I am. But I value me as a person. I like who I am for the most part and all that I've become. So, today, when someone said that I was "f...'d up", yeah, I was more than a little upset. Yeah, I took it personally. Partly because at the time I was sharing something of mine that I consider to be somewhat private and close to me (this blog) and partly because it was just plain rude and insensitive. It was not said in a joking manner, and while I was told it should be considered sarcasm, well, I can just do without that kind of sarcasm, thank you.

Here's what it all comes down to, and I'm realizing it just as I type. Trust me. Trust in me. Trust in my common sense. Trust in my choices. And don't judge me. I get a little sensitive when you do that.

Rain

It's raining outside. Again. Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with rain. I'm just tired of the rain. It's the end of January and I just want a fabulous snow!

Just today, I was telling an old friend of mine how much I miss the snow in New Hampshire. I lived there for 15 years, and I swear I think they cancelled school fewer times than I can count on both hands. Really. Now, I won't go into how frustrating it is here in Tennessee that as soon as the weatherman hints at snow or ice, the schools are cancelled. Really. No Joke. The schools are cancelled (sometimes the night before) and the grocery stores are wiped clean of bottled water, bread and milk. I've never seen anything like it before. But I won't go into that. It really stinks though, I'll tell you. When we lived in New Hampshire, there could be a whiteout, a nor' east er, whatever, and we still stood on the corner and waited for the school bus. All without a coat or hat on because it wasn't cool to wear a hat or coat in sub degree weather. So we didn't.

Ahh... those were the days.

I remember in college- as soon as it turned 49.5 degrees everyone on campus donned their shorts. Darn! It was warm, right? Now, here in Tennessee, they actually cancel schools because it's too cold. Oops. I'm not going into that. But they do! But I'm not going into that.

So back to my original point. I miss the snow. I miss the excitement and mind numbing adrenaline rush that comes with driving the back roads of Amherst, NH, knowing that just below the 2 inches of white covered road, lies a thich sheet of ice. I miss pulling huge icecicles off the sides of buildings (no offense to the woman who just got hit by one in Massachusettes). I miss watching little dogs disappear into the front yard that no longer exsists, only to become one with the foot of snow that is now covering them. And I miss the peace. Yes, I said peace. I miss going out, in the small town that wasn't a city, where it was quiet even if you had neighbors, and just watching the snow fall and listening to the silence. The cold crisp silence.

I can't do that here.

But I won't go into that.

Sick Babies

Ok. I can't believe I'm about to do this, but I'm going to write a blog about why it's such a pain that my child looks like this. Yup. That's right. Complaining about my happy child. See the picture? That's James- on RSV. My sick child. This is what he looks like.

It was the same for my older Son. Happy as can be. This photo was taken the morning after we took a trip to the ER because his RSV was so bad. Part of me wants to thank God that I'm so blessed to have truly happy children. The other part of me just wishes that every once in a while, they would act like they're sick when they're sick. Why? Why in the world could I wish such a thing you ask? Well, first, because when they really are sick, I frequently have no idea. Really. I've always assumed that if my child is a limp noodle and has a fever, he's sick. And along the same lines, if they look like the above photo, they're happy and healthy. Wrong. My oldest son had frequent severe ear infections, and never once had a fever or cried from the pain of it. It was by chance that I found them out!

So, here I am with my sick baby laughing and smiling. Lucky aren't I? Well, sure, except that I can't get him to settle down and rest in a way I think it critical to his recuperation. Just last night, at 11pm, he had no interest in sleeping, and instead, lay with me on my bed, laughing and playing with us. At that moment, I started to stop and complain about how tired I was and how I wish he'd just settle down and rest. He needs his rest. Then he smiled at me, just like he did in this photo, only at me and the world stopped for a moment and it didn't matter that it was 11. It didn't matter that he was sick. At that moment, all he was- was mine. And me? I stopped complaining and thanked God for my little bundle of joy.

Really, God?

OK. Now I'm not one who questions God. If you don't already know that about me, you should. I just don't question him or his motives. I just accept. Period. But today, I looked toward the heavens and asked, "Really, God? Are we really doing this today? Really?"
James has RSV.
Yes.
Really.
So, after receiving the fabulous diagnosis, I walked out of the doctor's office and took a deep breath. I must say though, that I believe my older son was the test run. He too had RSV at about this age. While I didn't quite panic back then, I was still nervous and anxious about what the diagnosis would mean. Luckily because I'm anal retentive and think that for the $15 co-pay, I should take my kids to see the doctor if anything seems off, neither of them needed the breathing treatments or hospitalization. With James though, because I had said practice run, I'm much more calm and comfortable.
Oh.
I see.
RSV huh?
Well, that's nice.
Okee Dokee.. yes well, you have a nice day too.
(I'm sure the doctor either thinks that I am absolutely out of my mind or that I'm just some awful, terrible mother who doesn't give two hoots about my son. Neither of which is actually the case. OK. Well, I'm not a terrible mother anyway...)

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that my friend, JMS and I were at work this morning (prior to James' appointment) and she handed me her Ipod. She had recorded (hmm.. is that the correct terminology or am I dating myself?) a song by Depeche Mode. It's called Blasphemous Rumors and the line in it says:
"I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours but I think that God's got a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find Him laughing" Now, mind you, I don't really think that God's up there laughing at my misfortune, but one cannot ignore the irony of the moment.

One last bit of irony- because of the RSV, I have to wait a week before I can lay Little Bit on his tummy to sleep. He'll be exactly 4 months old. Hmph. Maybe this is just God's way of giving me a week to get used to the idea! Hehe.. See, who's laughing now?

JMS, Babies, and my addiction to Facebook

Ok. Well, once again I'm posting because one of my best friends, JMS, prodded me. In reality, she's just nagged me enough to where I feel guilty for not posting since October. So as always, for you JMS, I post!

First, I must say that I love being a mom. Plain and simple. I always knew I wanted to have children, but that was just it. I wanted to have children. I never said, "ahh.. I really want to be a mom when I grow up." But as much as I love having children, I absolutely love being a mom. (Did I already say that?) And you know what, I think I'm a pretty good mom. And I'm a better mom just because my husband is such a good dad. Together our kids are loved. They are happy. They are beautiful. Oh and they're alive. We've kept them alive! Yeah!!! Sorry.. Seriously, I cannot imagine my life without my family, and I thank God every day for it.

Now, one to my newest past time: Facebook. I have to start last year, when I first signed up to My Space. I thought it was wonderful that I could hook up with old friends. And it was. But there weren't many there. Then, a few months ago, I got this idea to try Facebook. It's kind of like HD television and DVR. I wonder how in the world I ever lived without it. As much as I'd like to say I'm joking, I'm sort of not. My husband has now accepted the fact that I'm addicted to it, and that on occasion, I might look up from the computer to pay him some attention! (NO, not really!) I have a few points to make related to my FB addiction, so bear with me- this may be a long post. (You asked for it JMS!)

I couldn't believe it when I first signed on and there were so many names from the past there! I now have over 100 "friends". Some (less than 10) are from my now life. People I see and talk to every day. The rest are people that knew from way back when. A portion of them are from my previous years in New Hampshire. Some are from nearly 20 years ago, when I lived in Ohio. Truly, I've not seen or talked to these people in 20 years. I have to admit that my feelings about some of these "friends" are mixed. Several of the friends are people who I hung with when we were kids and just lost touch with as we grew older. Others were not. Honestly put, some of these people were just plain mean to me 20 years ago. (yes, you know who you are.) And now, they "talk" to me as though those days never existed. As though they never made fun of me. As though they never told me to get lost, pulled my hair or called me names. I remember it all. Part of me is just fascinated to see how much these people have changed. To see that, for the most part, we are now all on a level playing field. And sometimes I think that I'm just sickly attracted to the idea that they don't make fun of me any more. Either way, I'm a grown adult who thinks that there's good in all of us. Even the ones who were mean to me when we were children. And I've also grown to believe that we lose too many loved ones in our lives; life is too short not to try and make new friends when we can.

So on to my second point. If you know me well enough to read this, then you probably know that my 3 month old is going through some medical issues. For reasons unknown to me, I felt very comfortable posting information regarding Little Bit's situation on Facebook. I have been overwhelmed by the response. It has been amazing. When my children were born, my husband and I asked how is it possible to love someone so much who we don't yet know? I feel similar with regard to my Facebook "friends". They may not know me anymore, but that hasn't stopped them from being so very supportive. I have received emails and posts from so many of them- even those who weren't nice to me back then. It's given me such hope for things. I mean, really, these people don't know me. But they care. I feel that. They really do care. They have put me and my child in their prayers. Those who know me today know how I feel- "everything happens for a reason." If nothing else, I believe that Facebook has brought me to a place where I can settle with my past and find extra strength for my future.

So if you're reading this, and you're one of the many who have shown me this kind support- thank you.
Thanks for being my "friend".

Live your best life

It isn't very often that a person's life is changed in mid stream. That something incidental will be seen or heard, and just by being, has a profound effect on the life of another. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, and yesterday two things happened that just really changed my life. I'm not really sure exactly how just yet, I just know that it's changed.
Let me back up a bit. Yesterday, I was at home with my son, who is now almost 4 weeks old. He's perfect. Gaining weight and smiling at things other than gas, he really is the picture of perfection in my eyes. Yet my husband and I continue to complain that he won't sleep enough at night. ha.
So on a whim, while feeding Little Brother, I watched Oprah. Really, I had nothing better to do. And it has changed my life. I won't go into detail just yet, except to say that when it was over, both my husband and I were in tears, and realizing how selfish we'd been in our recent complaints of sleepless nights. If only we'd known.... I've attached the link at the bottom of this entry,titled 99 Balloons. After you've read this (and only after you've read it), please take a moment to watch the video that has turned me into this blubbering sap.
So, as yesterday progressed, I put all of my new found emotion into the back of my mind, and then, later, I read my friend Gs blog. Now mind you, I read her blog every day. I live, in a sense, to read Gs heartfelt ramblings about her latest Friday nights, or about DD, the man she'll never learn to stop loving. I live vicariously through her. But on this particular day, there was no talk of stupid men or rants about her latest work day. No, yesterday, she wrote merely of 12 things that make her smile. She spoke of taking a moment to realize what really is important in life and appreciating it for what it is. I knew then that I would make this entry. I hope that you understand.
I cannot tell you why I feel the way I do about all of this. Maybe you'll get it, maybe you won't. Either way, know that when I saw 99 Balloons, I wanted more for myself. I felt shameful for my selfishness and joy at my blessings.
Don't watch this video at work. It's the best advise I can give you. If you still insist on doing so, just know that I warned you. It is full of love, hope and selflessness. When the mother in this video was asked how she lived every day, she replied, "I said to myself- today's not the day to be sad. I can be sad another day. Today, I'm just going to be happy with what is. Maybe tomorrow I'll be sad, but not today."
So, there you have it. Take a moment to watch this. Then spend a moment and take stock in your life. Then live it the best that you can.

99 Balloons- click here

My Cup Runneth Over: Another Big Day!

Well, at my dear friend's prodding (yes JMS, I'm referring to you!) I'm sitting to post about the birth of my son, who I'll call Little brother. He was finally gifted to us on Thursday, October 2nd at 9:06am. He weighed in at 9lbs, 6oz and 19.5 inches long. Needless to say, Big Brother is in awe of him, and is um, well... let's just say... very helpful. Mostly, he's just proud to be Big Brother!
The birthing process was fine. I had a C-section that was mostly uneventful. I'd take it any day over the process I endured when having Big Brother. This time, aside from having some difficulty with the epidural (they weren't able to "find the space"- twice).. they ended up giving me a spinal block- twice, which caused me to vomit violently during the entire procedure- it was a little bit of heaven. Little brother had a minor setback after birth, and had some bad white cells - they call them "bands"- that caused him not to eat well and to drop down to 8lbs 4 oz in only 3 days. To alleviate risk of too great a loss, they tubed him, and fed him through the tube in his nose for the first few days.



He was simply beautiful- is still. Of course, now he's 16 days old. He looks just like his father. I love it! It's taken a bit of adjustment at home. The C-section does take a little more out of me than I expected- even more than I actually feel at times. But at the end of the day, I feel it in a big way and find that I simply cannot function. Hubby has been good to take a day off from work here or there. He took the first week off, but after his return from work, he's been here as needed. I'm so blessed in that sense. I'm fully aware of all the women out there who have little to no support from their spouses at all. It really just doesn't occur to them to care enough to help out their wives. Me, I'm the lucky one. My husband will stay up all night and then go to work for a normal day, just so he can "help out" as much as possible. I really am fortunate. And I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I've had no choice but to take him up on his offer and selfishly sleep through the night while he suffers through another sleepless night. I keep thinking that I'll wake up tomorrow and feel 100%. I have a sinking suspicion that it's going to take longer than I'm willing to admit to get back up to par. Oh well.. enough about me.
Having a 2nd child is definitely an experience. And it's one that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I keep looking at them thinking "the kids. I'm now a mother of the kids". I have to continuously remind myself that if referring to "my son" I now have to specify which son I'm speaking of! How great is that? I couldn't ask for anything more. One of my favorite lines from the movie Hope Floats, comes to mind: "MY CUP RUNNETH OVER"
What more could I possibly ask for in life?

The Day Has Arrived!

Big Brother started Kindergarten today! I'm so very proud of him! He's very excited and seemed right at home. For me, it's a huge step; for him simply another day, another new adventure. I managed not to cry, but was sure I would throw up from the turmoil occurring in my stomach (and not some caused by Little Bit.) Really though, Hubby and I dropped Big Brother off this morning and aside from it being earlier than he was used to, he was bright eyed and just taking it all in. As we drove in the parking lot, he said, "See Mom, there's the school." Then he grinned really big and said, "Myyyy school." He feels like such a big boy, and I just know he'll do great.

It's been a busy week, and my brain isn't all together, as you can tell by this disconnected post. I'm going now, but didn't want to pass up the opportunity to say how proud I am of my new Kindergartener!!