Well.. I'm not oblivious to the fact that I've made some bad choices in my lifetime. Plain and simple. No excuses, not even any regrets really, just basic bad choices. Sometimes my choices weren't really that bad, but the ramifications from them were. When I feel as though my closest friends judge me for those decisions I've made, I go on the defensive.
Many who know me will tell you that I'm overly sensitive. And I guess, for all that makes sense in the world, that I am. But I value me as a person. I like who I am for the most part and all that I've become. So, today, when someone said that I was "f...'d up", yeah, I was more than a little upset. Yeah, I took it personally. Partly because at the time I was sharing something of mine that I consider to be somewhat private and close to me (this blog) and partly because it was just plain rude and insensitive. It was not said in a joking manner, and while I was told it should be considered sarcasm, well, I can just do without that kind of sarcasm, thank you.
Here's what it all comes down to, and I'm realizing it just as I type. Trust me. Trust in me. Trust in my common sense. Trust in my choices. And don't judge me. I get a little sensitive when you do that.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Rain
It's raining outside. Again. Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with rain. I'm just tired of the rain. It's the end of January and I just want a fabulous snow!
Just today, I was telling an old friend of mine how much I miss the snow in New Hampshire. I lived there for 15 years, and I swear I think they cancelled school fewer times than I can count on both hands. Really. Now, I won't go into how frustrating it is here in Tennessee that as soon as the weatherman hints at snow or ice, the schools are cancelled. Really. No Joke. The schools are cancelled (sometimes the night before) and the grocery stores are wiped clean of bottled water, bread and milk. I've never seen anything like it before. But I won't go into that. It really stinks though, I'll tell you. When we lived in New Hampshire, there could be a whiteout, a nor' east er, whatever, and we still stood on the corner and waited for the school bus. All without a coat or hat on because it wasn't cool to wear a hat or coat in sub degree weather. So we didn't.
Ahh... those were the days.
I remember in college- as soon as it turned 49.5 degrees everyone on campus donned their shorts. Darn! It was warm, right? Now, here in Tennessee, they actually cancel schools because it's too cold. Oops. I'm not going into that. But they do! But I'm not going into that.
So back to my original point. I miss the snow. I miss the excitement and mind numbing adrenaline rush that comes with driving the back roads of Amherst, NH, knowing that just below the 2 inches of white covered road, lies a thich sheet of ice. I miss pulling huge icecicles off the sides of buildings (no offense to the woman who just got hit by one in Massachusettes). I miss watching little dogs disappear into the front yard that no longer exsists, only to become one with the foot of snow that is now covering them. And I miss the peace. Yes, I said peace. I miss going out, in the small town that wasn't a city, where it was quiet even if you had neighbors, and just watching the snow fall and listening to the silence. The cold crisp silence.
I can't do that here.
But I won't go into that.
Just today, I was telling an old friend of mine how much I miss the snow in New Hampshire. I lived there for 15 years, and I swear I think they cancelled school fewer times than I can count on both hands. Really. Now, I won't go into how frustrating it is here in Tennessee that as soon as the weatherman hints at snow or ice, the schools are cancelled. Really. No Joke. The schools are cancelled (sometimes the night before) and the grocery stores are wiped clean of bottled water, bread and milk. I've never seen anything like it before. But I won't go into that. It really stinks though, I'll tell you. When we lived in New Hampshire, there could be a whiteout, a nor' east er, whatever, and we still stood on the corner and waited for the school bus. All without a coat or hat on because it wasn't cool to wear a hat or coat in sub degree weather. So we didn't.
Ahh... those were the days.
I remember in college- as soon as it turned 49.5 degrees everyone on campus donned their shorts. Darn! It was warm, right? Now, here in Tennessee, they actually cancel schools because it's too cold. Oops. I'm not going into that. But they do! But I'm not going into that.
So back to my original point. I miss the snow. I miss the excitement and mind numbing adrenaline rush that comes with driving the back roads of Amherst, NH, knowing that just below the 2 inches of white covered road, lies a thich sheet of ice. I miss pulling huge icecicles off the sides of buildings (no offense to the woman who just got hit by one in Massachusettes). I miss watching little dogs disappear into the front yard that no longer exsists, only to become one with the foot of snow that is now covering them. And I miss the peace. Yes, I said peace. I miss going out, in the small town that wasn't a city, where it was quiet even if you had neighbors, and just watching the snow fall and listening to the silence. The cold crisp silence.
I can't do that here.
But I won't go into that.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Sick Babies
Ok. I can't believe I'm about to do this, but I'm going to write a blog about why it's such a pain that my child looks like this. Yup. That's right. Complaining about my happy child. See the picture? That's James- on RSV. My sick child. This is what he looks like.
It was the same for my older Son. Happy as can be. This photo was taken the morning after we took a trip to the ER because his RSV was so bad. Part of me wants to thank God that I'm so blessed to have truly happy children. The other part of me just wishes that every once in a while, they would act like they're sick when they're sick. Why? Why in the world could I wish such a thing you ask? Well, first, because when they really are sick, I frequently have no idea. Really. I've always assumed that if my child is a limp noodle and has a fever, he's sick. And along the same lines, if they look like the above photo, they're happy and healthy. Wrong. My oldest son had frequent severe ear infections, and never once had a fever or cried from the pain of it. It was by chance that I found them out!
So, here I am with my sick baby laughing and smiling. Lucky aren't I? Well, sure, except that I can't get him to settle down and rest in a way I think it critical to his recuperation. Just last night, at 11pm, he had no interest in sleeping, and instead, lay with me on my bed, laughing and playing with us. At that moment, I started to stop and complain about how tired I was and how I wish he'd just settle down and rest. He needs his rest. Then he smiled at me, just like he did in this photo, only at me and the world stopped for a moment and it didn't matter that it was 11. It didn't matter that he was sick. At that moment, all he was- was mine. And me? I stopped complaining and thanked God for my little bundle of joy.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Really, God?
OK. Now I'm not one who questions God. If you don't already know that about me, you should. I just don't question him or his motives. I just accept. Period. But today, I looked toward the heavens and asked, "Really, God? Are we really doing this today? Really?"
James has RSV.
Yes.
Really.
So, after receiving the fabulous diagnosis, I walked out of the doctor's office and took a deep breath. I must say though, that I believe my older son was the test run. He too had RSV at about this age. While I didn't quite panic back then, I was still nervous and anxious about what the diagnosis would mean. Luckily because I'm anal retentive and think that for the $15 co-pay, I should take my kids to see the doctor if anything seems off, neither of them needed the breathing treatments or hospitalization. With James though, because I had said practice run, I'm much more calm and comfortable.
Oh.
I see.
RSV huh?
Well, that's nice.
Okee Dokee.. yes well, you have a nice day too.
(I'm sure the doctor either thinks that I am absolutely out of my mind or that I'm just some awful, terrible mother who doesn't give two hoots about my son. Neither of which is actually the case. OK. Well, I'm not a terrible mother anyway...)
I would be remiss if I didn't mention that my friend, JMS and I were at work this morning (prior to James' appointment) and she handed me her Ipod. She had recorded (hmm.. is that the correct terminology or am I dating myself?) a song by Depeche Mode. It's called Blasphemous Rumors and the line in it says:
"I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours but I think that God's got a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find Him laughing" Now, mind you, I don't really think that God's up there laughing at my misfortune, but one cannot ignore the irony of the moment.
One last bit of irony- because of the RSV, I have to wait a week before I can lay Little Bit on his tummy to sleep. He'll be exactly 4 months old. Hmph. Maybe this is just God's way of giving me a week to get used to the idea! Hehe.. See, who's laughing now?
James has RSV.
Yes.
Really.
So, after receiving the fabulous diagnosis, I walked out of the doctor's office and took a deep breath. I must say though, that I believe my older son was the test run. He too had RSV at about this age. While I didn't quite panic back then, I was still nervous and anxious about what the diagnosis would mean. Luckily because I'm anal retentive and think that for the $15 co-pay, I should take my kids to see the doctor if anything seems off, neither of them needed the breathing treatments or hospitalization. With James though, because I had said practice run, I'm much more calm and comfortable.
Oh.
I see.
RSV huh?
Well, that's nice.
Okee Dokee.. yes well, you have a nice day too.
(I'm sure the doctor either thinks that I am absolutely out of my mind or that I'm just some awful, terrible mother who doesn't give two hoots about my son. Neither of which is actually the case. OK. Well, I'm not a terrible mother anyway...)
I would be remiss if I didn't mention that my friend, JMS and I were at work this morning (prior to James' appointment) and she handed me her Ipod. She had recorded (hmm.. is that the correct terminology or am I dating myself?) a song by Depeche Mode. It's called Blasphemous Rumors and the line in it says:
"I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours but I think that God's got a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find Him laughing" Now, mind you, I don't really think that God's up there laughing at my misfortune, but one cannot ignore the irony of the moment.
One last bit of irony- because of the RSV, I have to wait a week before I can lay Little Bit on his tummy to sleep. He'll be exactly 4 months old. Hmph. Maybe this is just God's way of giving me a week to get used to the idea! Hehe.. See, who's laughing now?
Saturday, January 17, 2009
JMS, Babies, and my addiction to Facebook
Ok. Well, once again I'm posting because one of my best friends, JMS, prodded me. In reality, she's just nagged me enough to where I feel guilty for not posting since October. So as always, for you JMS, I post!
First, I must say that I love being a mom. Plain and simple. I always knew I wanted to have children, but that was just it. I wanted to have children. I never said, "ahh.. I really want to be a mom when I grow up." But as much as I love having children, I absolutely love being a mom. (Did I already say that?) And you know what, I think I'm a pretty good mom. And I'm a better mom just because my husband is such a good dad. Together our kids are loved. They are happy. They are beautiful. Oh and they're alive. We've kept them alive! Yeah!!! Sorry.. Seriously, I cannot imagine my life without my family, and I thank God every day for it.
Now, one to my newest past time: Facebook. I have to start last year, when I first signed up to My Space. I thought it was wonderful that I could hook up with old friends. And it was. But there weren't many there. Then, a few months ago, I got this idea to try Facebook. It's kind of like HD television and DVR. I wonder how in the world I ever lived without it. As much as I'd like to say I'm joking, I'm sort of not. My husband has now accepted the fact that I'm addicted to it, and that on occasion, I might look up from the computer to pay him some attention! (NO, not really!) I have a few points to make related to my FB addiction, so bear with me- this may be a long post. (You asked for it JMS!)
I couldn't believe it when I first signed on and there were so many names from the past there! I now have over 100 "friends". Some (less than 10) are from my now life. People I see and talk to every day. The rest are people that knew from way back when. A portion of them are from my previous years in New Hampshire. Some are from nearly 20 years ago, when I lived in Ohio. Truly, I've not seen or talked to these people in 20 years. I have to admit that my feelings about some of these "friends" are mixed. Several of the friends are people who I hung with when we were kids and just lost touch with as we grew older. Others were not. Honestly put, some of these people were just plain mean to me 20 years ago. (yes, you know who you are.) And now, they "talk" to me as though those days never existed. As though they never made fun of me. As though they never told me to get lost, pulled my hair or called me names. I remember it all. Part of me is just fascinated to see how much these people have changed. To see that, for the most part, we are now all on a level playing field. And sometimes I think that I'm just sickly attracted to the idea that they don't make fun of me any more. Either way, I'm a grown adult who thinks that there's good in all of us. Even the ones who were mean to me when we were children. And I've also grown to believe that we lose too many loved ones in our lives; life is too short not to try and make new friends when we can.
So on to my second point. If you know me well enough to read this, then you probably know that my 3 month old is going through some medical issues. For reasons unknown to me, I felt very comfortable posting information regarding Little Bit's situation on Facebook. I have been overwhelmed by the response. It has been amazing. When my children were born, my husband and I asked how is it possible to love someone so much who we don't yet know? I feel similar with regard to my Facebook "friends". They may not know me anymore, but that hasn't stopped them from being so very supportive. I have received emails and posts from so many of them- even those who weren't nice to me back then. It's given me such hope for things. I mean, really, these people don't know me. But they care. I feel that. They really do care. They have put me and my child in their prayers. Those who know me today know how I feel- "everything happens for a reason." If nothing else, I believe that Facebook has brought me to a place where I can settle with my past and find extra strength for my future.
So if you're reading this, and you're one of the many who have shown me this kind support- thank you.
Thanks for being my "friend".
First, I must say that I love being a mom. Plain and simple. I always knew I wanted to have children, but that was just it. I wanted to have children. I never said, "ahh.. I really want to be a mom when I grow up." But as much as I love having children, I absolutely love being a mom. (Did I already say that?) And you know what, I think I'm a pretty good mom. And I'm a better mom just because my husband is such a good dad. Together our kids are loved. They are happy. They are beautiful. Oh and they're alive. We've kept them alive! Yeah!!! Sorry.. Seriously, I cannot imagine my life without my family, and I thank God every day for it.
Now, one to my newest past time: Facebook. I have to start last year, when I first signed up to My Space. I thought it was wonderful that I could hook up with old friends. And it was. But there weren't many there. Then, a few months ago, I got this idea to try Facebook. It's kind of like HD television and DVR. I wonder how in the world I ever lived without it. As much as I'd like to say I'm joking, I'm sort of not. My husband has now accepted the fact that I'm addicted to it, and that on occasion, I might look up from the computer to pay him some attention! (NO, not really!) I have a few points to make related to my FB addiction, so bear with me- this may be a long post. (You asked for it JMS!)
I couldn't believe it when I first signed on and there were so many names from the past there! I now have over 100 "friends". Some (less than 10) are from my now life. People I see and talk to every day. The rest are people that knew from way back when. A portion of them are from my previous years in New Hampshire. Some are from nearly 20 years ago, when I lived in Ohio. Truly, I've not seen or talked to these people in 20 years. I have to admit that my feelings about some of these "friends" are mixed. Several of the friends are people who I hung with when we were kids and just lost touch with as we grew older. Others were not. Honestly put, some of these people were just plain mean to me 20 years ago. (yes, you know who you are.) And now, they "talk" to me as though those days never existed. As though they never made fun of me. As though they never told me to get lost, pulled my hair or called me names. I remember it all. Part of me is just fascinated to see how much these people have changed. To see that, for the most part, we are now all on a level playing field. And sometimes I think that I'm just sickly attracted to the idea that they don't make fun of me any more. Either way, I'm a grown adult who thinks that there's good in all of us. Even the ones who were mean to me when we were children. And I've also grown to believe that we lose too many loved ones in our lives; life is too short not to try and make new friends when we can.
So on to my second point. If you know me well enough to read this, then you probably know that my 3 month old is going through some medical issues. For reasons unknown to me, I felt very comfortable posting information regarding Little Bit's situation on Facebook. I have been overwhelmed by the response. It has been amazing. When my children were born, my husband and I asked how is it possible to love someone so much who we don't yet know? I feel similar with regard to my Facebook "friends". They may not know me anymore, but that hasn't stopped them from being so very supportive. I have received emails and posts from so many of them- even those who weren't nice to me back then. It's given me such hope for things. I mean, really, these people don't know me. But they care. I feel that. They really do care. They have put me and my child in their prayers. Those who know me today know how I feel- "everything happens for a reason." If nothing else, I believe that Facebook has brought me to a place where I can settle with my past and find extra strength for my future.
So if you're reading this, and you're one of the many who have shown me this kind support- thank you.
Thanks for being my "friend".
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Live your best life
It isn't very often that a person's life is changed in mid stream. That something incidental will be seen or heard, and just by being, has a profound effect on the life of another. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, and yesterday two things happened that just really changed my life. I'm not really sure exactly how just yet, I just know that it's changed.
Let me back up a bit. Yesterday, I was at home with my son, who is now almost 4 weeks old. He's perfect. Gaining weight and smiling at things other than gas, he really is the picture of perfection in my eyes. Yet my husband and I continue to complain that he won't sleep enough at night. ha.
So on a whim, while feeding Little Brother, I watched Oprah. Really, I had nothing better to do. And it has changed my life. I won't go into detail just yet, except to say that when it was over, both my husband and I were in tears, and realizing how selfish we'd been in our recent complaints of sleepless nights. If only we'd known.... I've attached the link at the bottom of this entry,titled 99 Balloons. After you've read this (and only after you've read it), please take a moment to watch the video that has turned me into this blubbering sap.
So, as yesterday progressed, I put all of my new found emotion into the back of my mind, and then, later, I read my friend Gs blog. Now mind you, I read her blog every day. I live, in a sense, to read Gs heartfelt ramblings about her latest Friday nights, or about DD, the man she'll never learn to stop loving. I live vicariously through her. But on this particular day, there was no talk of stupid men or rants about her latest work day. No, yesterday, she wrote merely of 12 things that make her smile. She spoke of taking a moment to realize what really is important in life and appreciating it for what it is. I knew then that I would make this entry. I hope that you understand.
I cannot tell you why I feel the way I do about all of this. Maybe you'll get it, maybe you won't. Either way, know that when I saw 99 Balloons, I wanted more for myself. I felt shameful for my selfishness and joy at my blessings.
Don't watch this video at work. It's the best advise I can give you. If you still insist on doing so, just know that I warned you. It is full of love, hope and selflessness. When the mother in this video was asked how she lived every day, she replied, "I said to myself- today's not the day to be sad. I can be sad another day. Today, I'm just going to be happy with what is. Maybe tomorrow I'll be sad, but not today."
So, there you have it. Take a moment to watch this. Then spend a moment and take stock in your life. Then live it the best that you can.
99 Balloons- click here
Let me back up a bit. Yesterday, I was at home with my son, who is now almost 4 weeks old. He's perfect. Gaining weight and smiling at things other than gas, he really is the picture of perfection in my eyes. Yet my husband and I continue to complain that he won't sleep enough at night. ha.
So on a whim, while feeding Little Brother, I watched Oprah. Really, I had nothing better to do. And it has changed my life. I won't go into detail just yet, except to say that when it was over, both my husband and I were in tears, and realizing how selfish we'd been in our recent complaints of sleepless nights. If only we'd known.... I've attached the link at the bottom of this entry,titled 99 Balloons. After you've read this (and only after you've read it), please take a moment to watch the video that has turned me into this blubbering sap.
So, as yesterday progressed, I put all of my new found emotion into the back of my mind, and then, later, I read my friend Gs blog. Now mind you, I read her blog every day. I live, in a sense, to read Gs heartfelt ramblings about her latest Friday nights, or about DD, the man she'll never learn to stop loving. I live vicariously through her. But on this particular day, there was no talk of stupid men or rants about her latest work day. No, yesterday, she wrote merely of 12 things that make her smile. She spoke of taking a moment to realize what really is important in life and appreciating it for what it is. I knew then that I would make this entry. I hope that you understand.
I cannot tell you why I feel the way I do about all of this. Maybe you'll get it, maybe you won't. Either way, know that when I saw 99 Balloons, I wanted more for myself. I felt shameful for my selfishness and joy at my blessings.
Don't watch this video at work. It's the best advise I can give you. If you still insist on doing so, just know that I warned you. It is full of love, hope and selflessness. When the mother in this video was asked how she lived every day, she replied, "I said to myself- today's not the day to be sad. I can be sad another day. Today, I'm just going to be happy with what is. Maybe tomorrow I'll be sad, but not today."
So, there you have it. Take a moment to watch this. Then spend a moment and take stock in your life. Then live it the best that you can.
99 Balloons- click here
Thursday, October 9, 2008
My Cup Runneth Over: Another Big Day!
Well, at my dear friend's prodding (yes JMS, I'm referring to you!) I'm sitting to post about the birth of my son, who I'll call Little brother. He was finally gifted to us on Thursday, October 2nd at 9:06am. He weighed in at 9lbs, 6oz and 19.5 inches long. Needless to say, Big Brother is in awe of him, and is um, well... let's just say... very helpful. Mostly, he's just proud to be Big Brother!
The birthing process was fine. I had a C-section that was mostly uneventful. I'd take it any day over the process I endured when having Big Brother. This time, aside from having some difficulty with the epidural (they weren't able to "find the space"- twice).. they ended up giving me a spinal block- twice, which caused me to vomit violently during the entire procedure- it was a little bit of heaven. Little brother had a minor setback after birth, and had some bad white cells - they call them "bands"- that caused him not to eat well and to drop down to 8lbs 4 oz in only 3 days. To alleviate risk of too great a loss, they tubed him, and fed him through the tube in his nose for the first few days.
He was simply beautiful- is still. Of course, now he's 16 days old. He looks just like his father. I love it! It's taken a bit of adjustment at home. The C-section does take a little more out of me than I expected- even more than I actually feel at times. But at the end of the day, I feel it in a big way and find that I simply cannot function. Hubby has been good to take a day off from work here or there. He took the first week off, but after his return from work, he's been here as needed. I'm so blessed in that sense. I'm fully aware of all the women out there who have little to no support from their spouses at all. It really just doesn't occur to them to care enough to help out their wives. Me, I'm the lucky one. My husband will stay up all night and then go to work for a normal day, just so he can "help out" as much as possible. I really am fortunate. And I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I've had no choice but to take him up on his offer and selfishly sleep through the night while he suffers through another sleepless night. I keep thinking that I'll wake up tomorrow and feel 100%. I have a sinking suspicion that it's going to take longer than I'm willing to admit to get back up to par. Oh well.. enough about me.
Having a 2nd child is definitely an experience. And it's one that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I keep looking at them thinking "the kids. I'm now a mother of the kids". I have to continuously remind myself that if referring to "my son" I now have to specify which son I'm speaking of! How great is that? I couldn't ask for anything more. One of my favorite lines from the movie Hope Floats, comes to mind: "MY CUP RUNNETH OVER"
What more could I possibly ask for in life?
Thursday, August 14, 2008
The Day Has Arrived!
Big Brother started Kindergarten today! I'm so very proud of him! He's very excited and seemed right at home. For me, it's a huge step; for him simply another day, another new adventure. I managed not to cry, but was sure I would throw up from the turmoil occurring in my stomach (and not some caused by Little Bit.) Really though, Hubby and I dropped Big Brother off this morning and aside from it being earlier than he was used to, he was bright eyed and just taking it all in. As we drove in the parking lot, he said, "See Mom, there's the school." Then he grinned really big and said, "Myyyy school." He feels like such a big boy, and I just know he'll do great.
It's been a busy week, and my brain isn't all together, as you can tell by this disconnected post. I'm going now, but didn't want to pass up the opportunity to say how proud I am of my new Kindergartener!!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CJ!!!!
Today's my best friend's birthday! I haven't got the first clue how hold she is, nor does it really matter in our relationship. She has blessed my life for over 10 years now and I cannot imagine life without her. For those of you who don't know, I first met CJ when I was dating her brother. When that didn't work out (thanks to CJ herself, and a few choice words) I was lucky enough to have her there. She needed me, I needed her. Each of us showed the other how to live. Now, over 10 years later, we live over 1,000 miles apart, and don't even see each other every year. But I know she's there. She knows I'm here. And as each of us have grown over the years, we've remained the truest of friends. So Cindy, this post is dedicated to you- the strongest, most faithful and true woman I know. Thank you for being all that you have been to me. I thank God for you. Happy Birthday, friend!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
My Baby and Kindergarten
My son starts Kindergarten in 2 weeks. OK... let me re-word that. My heart says, "my baby starts Kindergarten in two weeks." (yes, that's him- 5 years ago!) I cannot believe it! And boy am I in for a shocker. I was finally provided the supplies list. OH YES.. the supplies list. Now, may I remind you that Big Brother will be attending a private school. Interpreted: Big Brother will be going to a school where I am paying a large monthly fee for him to go. OK. So.. The large monthly fee doesn't cover the price of things like Kleenex, wet wipes or hand sanitizer. (because God knows how we ever got along without hand sanitizer in the classroom!) Hmph. We also get to purchase poster board, pens, pencils and other things in mass qty so that the class can share. Hmph. Now I don't want you to think that I'm not empathetic to the plight of the teachers. I'm not. And I certainly don't expect them to foot the bill for this type of thing. But I do expect the school to pay for basic necessities! I half expect the next, updated list of required sundries to include toilet paper and bottled water. Oh, I shouldn't complain about all of this. I'm excited to think that Big Brother is going to be getting a good, quality education. I can't wait to see him excel. And I really do think he's going to do great!
Little Brother is coming along nicely. I'm finally in my 29th week and I started gaining my first bit of weight. I am now at 10 lbs. He kicks right on time every day and I'm beginning to think that his nightly routine lulls me to sleep! Physically, I'm feeling pretty good now-a-days. Mentally, I'm a wreck. It's nice though to be able to blame all emotional swings right now on hormones. Mostly, I'm fully aware of my mood at any given time, I'm just sick of stupid people.
We finished Big Brother's new bedroom last week, and he's now the proud owner of a Chicago Cubs room. He loves it and has adjusted fabulously. I really don't give him enough credit, and am always worried that every little bit of change is going to be some huge adjustment. He continues to prove me wrong- you'd think I'd learn! Now we need to get started on the nursery and I'll feel like just about everything is falling into place...
Thursday, July 24, 2008
From my favorite contemporary poet: Javan
Sometimes we have something
Without truly knowing
What we have
Sometimes we hold something
without knowing completely
What we hold
sometimes we are given something
Without fully appreciating
What we are given
But that knowledge usually comes
When we realize
What we have lost
Without truly knowing
What we have
Sometimes we hold something
without knowing completely
What we hold
sometimes we are given something
Without fully appreciating
What we are given
But that knowledge usually comes
When we realize
What we have lost
Monday, July 21, 2008
Time
I know it's really sad when I take so long between blogs that I have to do a password request just to remember how to get in and update the blog! Ha... can't help it, just can't make it the priority that so many others do!
Well, I'm in my third trimester. That's hard to believe! This pregnancy hasn't been quite so pleasant as the first, but I can't say that I mind. It's all worth it. And has me thinking that maybe a third isn't such a bad thing. My God, I think I'm addicted to pregnancy! Seriously, you know- some people love the rush from a good tattoo, me, I just need a kid or two, and I'll be pacified.
I'm in an odd mood today. Happy, yet volatile. Does that make sense? In other words, I'm in a great mood, but I just dare you to make me mad!
My parents, who have been on a cross country road trip for the last two months have arrived home and I couldn't be happier. I'm so glad that they seem to have had the time of their lives, but I can't help but selfishly be relieved and elated that they're back home safe and sound. Now they live 50 miles away, and while I don't see them all the time, and still talked to them on cell phone every day- even when they're in Wyoming and Nebraska and New Mexico. But there's just something comforting in knowing that they're home. That if I did just want to stop and go to them, they're there. I live for that. And I know that it won't always be the case, but for now, I'll take advantage of it. (I'm reading over this, by the way, thinking "what it the world is that? a fragmented sentence?) Sorry to all of you fellow English majors- I'm not changing it!
I miss blogging. I'll be back for more later!
Well, I'm in my third trimester. That's hard to believe! This pregnancy hasn't been quite so pleasant as the first, but I can't say that I mind. It's all worth it. And has me thinking that maybe a third isn't such a bad thing. My God, I think I'm addicted to pregnancy! Seriously, you know- some people love the rush from a good tattoo, me, I just need a kid or two, and I'll be pacified.
I'm in an odd mood today. Happy, yet volatile. Does that make sense? In other words, I'm in a great mood, but I just dare you to make me mad!
My parents, who have been on a cross country road trip for the last two months have arrived home and I couldn't be happier. I'm so glad that they seem to have had the time of their lives, but I can't help but selfishly be relieved and elated that they're back home safe and sound. Now they live 50 miles away, and while I don't see them all the time, and still talked to them on cell phone every day- even when they're in Wyoming and Nebraska and New Mexico. But there's just something comforting in knowing that they're home. That if I did just want to stop and go to them, they're there. I live for that. And I know that it won't always be the case, but for now, I'll take advantage of it. (I'm reading over this, by the way, thinking "what it the world is that? a fragmented sentence?) Sorry to all of you fellow English majors- I'm not changing it!
I miss blogging. I'll be back for more later!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Being Angry With God- A Walk to Remember
Ok, so in order to get a point across to my readers, I must first admit a weakness of mine. It will not, of course, surprise those who really know me: I am a sucker for chick flicks. Specifically, I turn into a blubbering fool at those movies where poor, pitiful, misunderstood young girls fall and are loved by tough, misunderstood boys. You know- movies like Pretty in Pink and Sixteen Candles. Or my most recent favorite: A Walk to Remember. (based on a best seller by Nicholas Sparks) Yes, it has become my most recent- hand me an entire roll of toilet paper because a kleenex won't do it- film. Specifically, I watched it every day that I was stuck in my bed sick this last week. That would be Sunday. And Monday. And Tuesday.
Now, I have to admit a few things, lest you've not seen this movie. First, Mandy Moore stars in it. Which means that yes, Mandy Moore sings in it too. And pouts in it. And is adorable as the preacher's daughter. But just in case being a poor, pitiful, misunderstood young lady isn't enough, Mandy Moore's character is also dying of leukemia in this movie. Oh yes, they've really spread it on thick. And I fall for it every time. And the leading man's name in Landon. OMG.. who wouldn't fall for a guy with a name like that?
Ok... so there really is a point to this.( Isn't there always?) My favorite scene in the movie is just shortly after she tells the new love of her life that she's dying (awww... too bad for him, huh?) Anyway, he of course, asks her why she didn't bother to tell him this before, as they were getting to know each other. She, clearly not expecting to fall head over heels for the dude, simply looked at him and said, "I do not want a reason to be angry with God." So, I'm not going to ruin the rest of the flick- you'll have to watch it yourself, but it did get me thinking.
Yesterday was my sister's birthday. She would have been 35. I miss her. Hmph. I hated her more than anything in the world sometimes, or what she'd done to our family anyway, yet I still miss her. And somewhere in the recesses of my deep dark brain, that quote came to me. And I've come to the conclusion that on a much different level, I have convinced myself not to allow these experiences to control my life because of that. Because I do not want a reason to be angry with God. Because there's not always someone to blame. Because sometimes things that happen just, well, just happen. I choose to believe in my God. And I choose not to blame him for the choices that my sister made, for her death, for the death of her daughter. For the life long affect it's had on my family. I choose not to blame him for the injustices brought to my body at such an early age. You know, the list could go on and on. Instead, I choose to be grateful for all that I have. For my beautiful children (I say this, because no matter what happens, I know that my next son will be beautiful in my eyes too!), for my loving husband, and for our family. I'm grateful that he allows me to have the common sense similar to that of a goose.. (OK, well, he may have fallen a bit short on that one, but we can't all be perfect, now can we?) I'm grateful for it all.
So, Amy, as always, I miss you and would give anything to stand by you at your majestic piano in the sky and sing while you play. I hope you had a happy birthday, wherever you are.
Now, I have to admit a few things, lest you've not seen this movie. First, Mandy Moore stars in it. Which means that yes, Mandy Moore sings in it too. And pouts in it. And is adorable as the preacher's daughter. But just in case being a poor, pitiful, misunderstood young lady isn't enough, Mandy Moore's character is also dying of leukemia in this movie. Oh yes, they've really spread it on thick. And I fall for it every time. And the leading man's name in Landon. OMG.. who wouldn't fall for a guy with a name like that?
Ok... so there really is a point to this.( Isn't there always?) My favorite scene in the movie is just shortly after she tells the new love of her life that she's dying (awww... too bad for him, huh?) Anyway, he of course, asks her why she didn't bother to tell him this before, as they were getting to know each other. She, clearly not expecting to fall head over heels for the dude, simply looked at him and said, "I do not want a reason to be angry with God." So, I'm not going to ruin the rest of the flick- you'll have to watch it yourself, but it did get me thinking.
Yesterday was my sister's birthday. She would have been 35. I miss her. Hmph. I hated her more than anything in the world sometimes, or what she'd done to our family anyway, yet I still miss her. And somewhere in the recesses of my deep dark brain, that quote came to me. And I've come to the conclusion that on a much different level, I have convinced myself not to allow these experiences to control my life because of that. Because I do not want a reason to be angry with God. Because there's not always someone to blame. Because sometimes things that happen just, well, just happen. I choose to believe in my God. And I choose not to blame him for the choices that my sister made, for her death, for the death of her daughter. For the life long affect it's had on my family. I choose not to blame him for the injustices brought to my body at such an early age. You know, the list could go on and on. Instead, I choose to be grateful for all that I have. For my beautiful children (I say this, because no matter what happens, I know that my next son will be beautiful in my eyes too!), for my loving husband, and for our family. I'm grateful that he allows me to have the common sense similar to that of a goose.. (OK, well, he may have fallen a bit short on that one, but we can't all be perfect, now can we?) I'm grateful for it all.
So, Amy, as always, I miss you and would give anything to stand by you at your majestic piano in the sky and sing while you play. I hope you had a happy birthday, wherever you are.
Monday, June 2, 2008
wimpy wimpy wimpy
I'm home sick today and it really makes me mad. It's a beautiful day and I don't even feel like going outside. What a wasted day. And whiny me, I can't stop worrying about the stupid fever that suddenly came out of no where and now is slowing increasing. I will be healthy at some point in this pregnancy so that I can enjoy it.
I'm grumpy. Poor pitiful me.
Whatever. There are those worse off and tomorrow's another day. woohoo.
I'm grumpy. Poor pitiful me.
Whatever. There are those worse off and tomorrow's another day. woohoo.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Bigger and Better
Ok. So I'm not even going to waste time with my usual, "I'm not very good at these blogs..." line. Moving past that-
Well, I'm halfway through my pregnancy. All is going well and I'm feeling fine. Other than a torn ligament in my stomach, this has been a relatively quiet one. Of course, we caved in and told the whole world what we're having. Jacob was especially excited to find out that he's having a baby brother. That's right Izzy or Bella is really not an issue any longer, as our little one is well, a male! I was able to talk hubby into a different name. No disrespect to his grandfather, Frank, but I just couldn't name my child Frank. Instead, we're naming him James Robert. I think it has a nice ring to it, and as is consistent with our red neck roots, I think we'll call him JR. Who knows, maybe he'll end up making millions racing for the big BUD and we can all sit back high on the hog. *** Poof**** oops , sorry.. back to reality!
Speaking of reality, I don't think I ever mentioned that big brother (my new name for my first born son) was in fact, accepted to the private Christian school where we'd applied. He starts in August. I really have no idea how I didn't completely screw that up, but it could just be that big brother carried his own, and I really had very little to do with it. Anyway, he's in and we'll just see how long it takes him to get kicked out. That's, apparently what happened to hubby in his youth when attending a private Catholic school. He told one of the nuns where she could go. Considering that most nuns are celibate, I doubt that she actually did what he told her to, and in fact, it apparently offended her, as gave hubby the old heave-ho.
Big brother has been playing baseball this summer. It's a first for him, but he's doing great! I love watching him relate to the other kids on the team. It's not often that I get to see him interact with bigger groups of kids his age, so I get a kick out of it. In true Parker fashion, he got razzed yesterday for flirting with a little girl who was standing at third, which happened to be big brothers assigned base. He was making plans with her to meet after the game at the pool. We'd all yelled his name numerous times before he came back down out of his cloud. He actually blushed when the coach said "there's no time for girls in baseball little man!" It was great! They've decided that big brother works best as pitcher and on 3rd base. He seems to react quickly and retain the special instructions that each type of different hit brings with it. I can't even get the terminology of the game right. I keep saying "great home run!" and the 5 year olds promptly remind me that if they didn't hit it out of the field and are merely running home, it's just a run. Oh. OK... because that makes complete sense.
Well, my creative juices just aren't flowing this Sunday morning, so I apologize if this post has been a bit of a bore. On a daily basis, there seems so much going on, yet when I sit to write about it, it doesn't seem to be all that news-worthy, you know?
Well, I'm halfway through my pregnancy. All is going well and I'm feeling fine. Other than a torn ligament in my stomach, this has been a relatively quiet one. Of course, we caved in and told the whole world what we're having. Jacob was especially excited to find out that he's having a baby brother. That's right Izzy or Bella is really not an issue any longer, as our little one is well, a male! I was able to talk hubby into a different name. No disrespect to his grandfather, Frank, but I just couldn't name my child Frank. Instead, we're naming him James Robert. I think it has a nice ring to it, and as is consistent with our red neck roots, I think we'll call him JR. Who knows, maybe he'll end up making millions racing for the big BUD and we can all sit back high on the hog. *** Poof**** oops , sorry.. back to reality!
Speaking of reality, I don't think I ever mentioned that big brother (my new name for my first born son) was in fact, accepted to the private Christian school where we'd applied. He starts in August. I really have no idea how I didn't completely screw that up, but it could just be that big brother carried his own, and I really had very little to do with it. Anyway, he's in and we'll just see how long it takes him to get kicked out. That's, apparently what happened to hubby in his youth when attending a private Catholic school. He told one of the nuns where she could go. Considering that most nuns are celibate, I doubt that she actually did what he told her to, and in fact, it apparently offended her, as gave hubby the old heave-ho.
Big brother has been playing baseball this summer. It's a first for him, but he's doing great! I love watching him relate to the other kids on the team. It's not often that I get to see him interact with bigger groups of kids his age, so I get a kick out of it. In true Parker fashion, he got razzed yesterday for flirting with a little girl who was standing at third, which happened to be big brothers assigned base. He was making plans with her to meet after the game at the pool. We'd all yelled his name numerous times before he came back down out of his cloud. He actually blushed when the coach said "there's no time for girls in baseball little man!" It was great! They've decided that big brother works best as pitcher and on 3rd base. He seems to react quickly and retain the special instructions that each type of different hit brings with it. I can't even get the terminology of the game right. I keep saying "great home run!" and the 5 year olds promptly remind me that if they didn't hit it out of the field and are merely running home, it's just a run. Oh. OK... because that makes complete sense.
Well, my creative juices just aren't flowing this Sunday morning, so I apologize if this post has been a bit of a bore. On a daily basis, there seems so much going on, yet when I sit to write about it, it doesn't seem to be all that news-worthy, you know?
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